Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by abuon18 on May 1, 2015 at 11:33am

The reason many couples choose to get married when joining the military is because if the service member receives overseas orders they will be unaccompanied - which means he can't join you. If you receive your orders and then get married, it is very hard to get them changed to be accompanied orders, where he can join you, and very rare (although not to say it hasn't been done). Also, only e-4 and above can receive accompanied orders anyway USUALLY so unless you are leaving bootcamp/A school as an e4 or above then it really doesn't matter. If you're an e2 or e3 for example, and you get overseas orders, they would be unaccompanied even if you were married.

if you get stationed at a base in the US it's much easier. He can pack up and move to where ever he wants in the US. The Navy just won't pay for him to do so, and depending on where you are stationed and where he is moving from it could be costly out of pocket. Then he will have to find a job, etc. which is stressful! Also you will not receive BAH as an unmarried Sailor until you reach the e-5 paygrade so any living expenses will be completely on your salary. But as long as your ship approves it you can live off base where ever and with who ever you want (pretty much - there are some areas and apartment complexes that are blacklisted depending on where you get stationed but you'll find those details out when you need to.)

Then of course, he will not receive any of the benefits - the health insurance, the base privileges, etc. which wouldn't keep you from living together but is definitely something to think about overall - if he moves to live with you, and isn't working, how will he afford his health insurance on top of your other living expenses?

Now, this is all once you get  to your permanent duty station. Depending on your A and C school, if you're married before boot camp, and the A and/or C school is long enough he could live with you there. My husband's A and C schools were 2 years long so I got to live with him there - but if he was not married he would not have been allowed to live off base. So even if he moved there you wouldn't be able to live with him. (This again only applies to certain schools that are 6 months or longer I believe - it's been a couple of years since my husband was in school).

Long distance relationships in the military can absolutely work. We are close friends with a couple who have been long distance for 4+ years while he has been in the military. Through boot camp, A & C school, his first duty station and deployment. They are a really strong couple and while long distance has it's own challenges, and then the military adds even more, it can absolutely work. So no, you're right that you shouldn't force him into marriage if he's not ready. That will result in disaster. It seems like he has been struggling with your desire to join the military, since it's something you've discussed before and he's just recently come on board with it. You definitely don't want to force an ultimatum like that on him. But you can't continue your relationship feeling like it's doomed either -  it most definitely doesn't have to be, but approaching it with that attitude will almost certainly end in that outcome.

It will be difficult but as long as you are both committed then long distance can work. It DOES work for many, many couples.

Permalink Reply by MeaganElla92 on May 1, 2015 at 12:06pm

After being together for so long, and not having been separated from each other for any longer than a week, I can't see us working well or being happy in a long distance relationship, he has no interest in a long distance relationship, either, as far as I know.

My A school and C school will be in San Diego and I will be there for well over a year. I can't see either of us affording that without BAH. He's been making plans and working towards gaining new skills so that he is more employable when we leave. He has a lot of experience in general labor, landscaping, small engine repair, machine operation and recently had a wide array of job offers, but took one in construction/roofing to learn even more. 

I am entering the Navy as an E-3 and my recruiter (who may just be painting a rosy picture) said that I will certainly be an E-4 out of A & C school. 

To me, it seems that his biggest fear is that if we get married (even just on paper) before I leave for RTC and don't make it through, for whatever reason, then we would have rushed into this decision for nothing, I know 5 years isn't necessarily "rushed," but until now, we always said that we were going to do a big wedding when we could finally afford it. To him, it's the "right" way. 

I feel incredibly pathetic; being a woman who seems so certain that marriage is so important. To me, all it truly is is a piece of paper that says the love of my life can travel with me all over creation. If I were not joining the Navy, I'd would wait forever. Part of me is still optimistic and just hoping that he is only saying he doesn't want to so he can surprise me, which would not be out of character for him. 

I do have 6 weeks of ATT in GL right after RTC, is it possible that we could tie the knot then?

Permalink Reply by abuon18 on May 1, 2015 at 12:28pm

It sounds like you are going to be a Sonar Tech, is that correct? That's what my husband is. He had ATT in Great Lakes as well although you may want to check that because I heard that they have moved ATT to San Diego.... my husband was in ATT in 2011 so a lot has changed!

We were in San Diego from 2011-2014 so much longer than just a year. Be aware that the school lengths they tell you are JUST the class times - they don't include the times they'll be on hold from school. There are different tracks for Sonar Techs depending on which system you'll be learning so my husband's school was actually ATT, 1 A school, and 3 different C schools so he was on hold between each of those for various lengths of time - the longest time he had between classes at one point was 6 months then he waited another 9 months when he was finished with school before he got his permanent duty station orders!

Here is the thing. You still have time to decide what you want to do. You can get married "on paper" now and have a "big wedding" vow renewal for your 1st or 5th or whatever anniversary. You can have a small wedding if you want - we had a small wedding & got married on the beach with about 30 of our family and friends there then had a small reception back at my dad's house so it still felt like a celebration, not just running off to the JOP, and we are planning on doing a big old vow renewal soon. You have options if that's what is important to you but it's definitely something that shouldn't be rushed. 

When we lived in San Diego, I worked full-time and honestly, without BAH it would have been a struggle with just our 2 paychecks. So while it sounds like your boyfriend will be very employable having the extra money from BAH definitely helps... but it also depends on the lifestyle you're used to, too. We enjoy going out and traveling. 

If you are a Sonar Tech and signed up for a 6 year contract, and you are entering as an e3 you will be an e4, most likely by the time you finish A school. My husband entered bootcamp as an e3 (although in bootcamp everyone is the same you don't get the e3 paygrade until after you complete Battle Stations but you should receive back pay), and he was an e4 by the time he finished A school. 

Part of me wants to say your boyfriend is being stubborn because he's having second thoughts about you joining, because it IS scary, and that he will come around. I think maybe he needs to join this site and ask some questions so he can feel better informed about what is to come with being a military spouse. It's really not so scary.

You would be able to get married during ATT, A school or C school. We considered getting married during ATT but ultimately decided against it because he was getting holiday leave in December from A school so he got to come home and we were able to get married with some of our friends and family present. In Great Lakes, you will have to let your chain of command know you are planning on getting married and they will give you the paperwork you need to complete and tell you the classes you need to take. There are financial classes and marriage classes. Then he will be on your orders for C school - I don't think A school is long enough to warrant a move but I honestly don't remember. It's much easier if you get married in A school in San Diego - you just fill out the chit and if it's approved you're done. You don't have to take classes or anything.

Permalink Reply by MeaganElla92 on May 1, 2015 at 1:24pm

Yes! I'm going to be an STG-AEF and I am signed for 6 years. Thank you so much for your insight! I know it's a bit off-topic, but do you think you could tell me a little bit about your husband's rating? Like what his daily life is like, how long does he usually go underway for, what does he do when he's not underway? I know you may not be able to answer all of these questions, especially because you don't go to work with him! But any info I can get on my rating I would greatly appreciate, I'm sure my "not-husband" would feel better about me joining if he had a better idea of what I would be doing as well! Also, did you enjoy San Diego while you were there? I've lived in Maine for about 6 years now and I love it here, but I am so looking forward to the warmer weather!

It's nice to know that we do have options. We have had our fair share of "rough patches" before, we tried to live apart from each other and still date for a little while, we ended up spending just about every night together anyways. it was only about 2 months before we decided that our lives were just so much better when we could fall asleep and wake up next to each other as often as possible. 

My recruiter said that if we were married that he should be able to go with me to A school since it is in the same place as my C school, so my orders should work out that way. 

We love going out and eating well and we work pretty hard to live comfortably. But we have also been struggling financially for a very long time. I hope maybe receiving extra BAH for being married while I'm away at RTC and ATT would be a little more convincing, although I truly hate pushing the issue. I did also tell him that I was not going to do this if he wasn't behind it 1000%. I think he might also be scared to talk to my recruiters, although I have been encouraging him to do so. 

From what you told me, it sounds like getting married in A school is the best course of action. Could I possibly get leave and come home to Maine for that?

Permalink Reply by abuon18 on May 1, 2015 at 2:43pm

Sure! STG is a small community. Have you found the STG groups on here?

My husband is a 6yo also. Point Loma, where you will be stationed for school is really nice, right on the water, and pretty laid back. For example, they don't have as strict marriage requirements as some of the other training bases, they allow married students to live in base housing if they wish, and they are really good at getting paperwork done and communicating so I think you'll enjoy it there but it will spoil you for "the real Navy"! It's a REALLY small base so you'll get to know the instructors and other students pretty well. When he was in school he went in pretty early, around 6am but got out around 2 or 3 (sometimes earlier) and only M-F. On his duty days, he only had to go in for his scheduled watch shift so he didn't have to stay on base for the whole 24 hour duty shift.

Once he got to his permanent duty station he went underway immediately ... as in he got there and left the next day. He was underway for 3 weeks, came home for 5 days and went on his first deployment. He was gone for 9 months. He got home in May of 2014 and went underway again two more times within a month for a week each. In October of last year, he got transferred to another ship and they have been in the shipyards for over a year now, were supposed to come OUT of the shipyards last year but have gotten extended each time so they haven't been underway since they got home from deployment in Feb 2014. As you can see, the underway and  deployment schedule depends on the ship and not the rating. There is really no way to predict what that will be like for you, although he does say that turnaround for deployment is quickest for Destroyers (I don't know how true that is. His first ship was a Destroyer so he may be biased!) Chances are you will not be stationed on a Carrier, but there is a small chance you might be. Most STG's get stationed on smaller ships.

Now he goes to work in the mornings and comes home most nights. If he has duty he has to stay for a 24 hour period, even if it's a weekend. So he goes in at 6:30 and has to stay until 6:30 the next day for example. If it's a work day (M-F) he comes home after work. If it's a weekend he comes right home. Most of what he does during the day he can't really tell me about, when he's out at sea most of that stuff is classified, hence the clearances you need to get. But he's also Work Center Supervisor so he does A LOT of paperwork, he has to do the evaluations for everyone when they are due, any disciplinary reports he has to write, he has to assign and record tasks and he has to oversee all the work being done in his work center. Since they're in yards there is no actual "sonar" stuff that he can do it's all boring maintenance and repair stuff. And he doesn't even get to work on his gear anymore as the supervisor!

We absolutely LOVED San Diego. So much that we decided that's where we are going to make our permanent home when he's out of the Navy, if he doesn't have the opportunity to get stationed there again! I'm originally from NY, then I moved to South Florida and that's where he was born and raised so it was different for both of us but it's really just so perfect! The weather is gorgeous most of the year - August and September it gets brutally hot but aside from those two months the weather is great. There is always so much to do, if you're outdoorsy you have the best of everything - the ocean and mountains are right there. It's only a couple of hours to get to Big Bear, where you can ski in the winter. There are so many restaurants and a great bar scene. Depending on what you like, the area is really known for it's craft beers.

Every couple has rough patches, that's completely normal! It's NOT normal to NOT have rough patches. It sounds like he may just be scared of what's unknown but if you could get him in to talk to your recruiter that would be helpful for him. My husband's recruiter was really open and helpful in answering any questions that I had - they expect significant others to have questions! That's part of their job.

Here's the thing about A school and C school orders - they are written as separate orders so just because they are in the same place doesn't mean anything. Just an FYI. We got married a year earlier than we planned because we were in the beginning stages of planning our big wedding when he got to A school in San Diego and they told him we had to be married in 3 months (by the time he finished A school) or I wouldn't be on his next orders and he could get sent overseas... even though as a 6yo he had years of C school left. So just be wary of that. Once I was out there, while he was still in A school he was able to live with me right away but just be aware that your A school orders may be unaccompanied since A school by itself doesn't fulfill the requirement of moving a spouse.

Depending on when you're in A school you should get leave around the holidays which you can use to go home to get married. My husband started boot camp in July and got to San Diego to start A school in November. If you're still in Great Lakes for ATT though you should still get holiday leave - generally all the training commands approve holiday leave because all of the instructors want to take leave too! They only keep the bare minimum of people there. Aside from the holidays, the only time you could try to request leave would be your hold times between schools. They usually approve those - I don't think I've ever seen them not approve it. If you're in class they won't let you miss a day except for really rare circumstances, like a death  in your family.

Let me know if you have any more questions about anything!

Permalink Reply by MeaganElla92 on July 31, 2015 at 9:02am

Sorry, I know this was a long time ago, but I think we have everything worked out! We're going to get paper married after bootcamp, since I'm staying in GL after RTC for ATT for 6 weeks, I believe I have some extra liberty after PIR. And I know I earn 5 days of leave after RTC, so either we're going to do it in Chicago right after PIR weekend or we'll do it home here in Maine when I can come take my leave. He's being so very supportive, I just think he was shaken up a little bit after I was sworn in. I now have less than a month until I leave for RTC and I have lost 35 lbs, I'm running a 5k next weekend, my mom is coming to visit me from NY in a couple weeks and I'm more nervous than ever! 

I also wanted to thank you very much for your help. I really appreciate it!

Permalink Reply by Anti M on July 31, 2015 at 9:53am

Wet Blanket Warning, Great Lakes does prohibit marriage on PIR weekend.  You can do it, but you must be aware you'll be breaking their rules.  You do not need to go to Chicago to marry, google Lake County Clerk marriage license so you can see the times and process.  You don't have overnight liberty, so you have to work around your curfews.

You do NOT get to take leave right out of boot camp.  That's the Army which allows that.  You will go straight  into hold for ATT.  The opportunity for leave should be between ATT and A school in SD. Otherwise, leave is normally after A school, before C school/first duty station.  Depends on your C school report date.

I know it is short notice, but see it the recruiter will work with you to marry before you depart.  Otherwise, you're in for a huge hassle.  I'd hate to see you get blindsided!

Permalink Reply by abuon18 on July 31, 2015 at 11:49am

You're welcome :) I'm glad things are going so well for you and you and your fiance have worked through your rough patch!

To piggyback on what Anti M said, there are couples who have gotten married PIR weekend and you can search through here to find them and hear their stories but honestly there isn't really a rush in your situation so I'd say wait until A school - it's better to go through the proper channels than to start your Navy career off getting in trouble. Since you are staying in Great Lakes for ATT you have liberty, not leave, so you will have Friday Saturday and Sunday to spend with your family unlike those whose schools are elsewhere - they get shipped out Saturday or Sunday. Friday after PIR you will have a few minutes to spend with your family, then you'll have to report back to your barracks to move over to the Great Lakes Training Command, and once everyone is checked in there you will have Liberty until about 9pm, when you will have to return to base. Saturday and Sunday you can leave pretty early in the morning and you have to return to base by curfew - don't quote me on the time I believe it is 9pm but it was 4 years ago so I don't remember and things change! Even having the whole weekend it is really pushing it to get married there.

You will most likely be on hold before starting ATT for a little bit so that's a good time to start working on your various requirements to phase up, and you can also begin to talk to your chain of command about the marriage process. My husband started this in ATT and he had to take classes and fill out lots of paperwork - Great Lakes is much stricter than ASW was. When he transferred to ASW (The base you will be at for A school and C school), all he had to do was submit a chit requesting permission to get married and it was approved, he did not need to go through the classes and such. But if you are set on getting married during ATT then starting that paperwork and those classes right away would be beneficial. They do allow marriages while in ATT, so don't be discouraged - my husband's marriage chit was approved while in ATT, we just decided to wait because we wanted our families to be there and knew he would get to take leave in just a couple months.

I agree with Anti M, if you are able, see if you can get married before you go. It is much easier in the long run to be married before you are in bootcamp and while it will be more paperwork for the recruiter, it will alleviate a lot of pain on your end!

Permalink Reply by Anti M on July 31, 2015 at 1:36pm

It also means lots more BAH and FSA, if you're feeling mercenary.