Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Anti M on June 26, 2014 at 2:32pm

A lot depends on the couple, and how long you've been in the relationship.

I have three answers.  

1.  If you are pregnant, or have a child together, and he is staying at Great Lakes for A school, then PIR weekend.  They are told not to marry that weekend, but to me, a child changes everything.  Usually it goes okay, but they can always choose to make an example of your sailor for disobeying the rules. If he is not staying at Great Lakes, you do not have time for this option.  

2. If your relationship is established, and you;ve had the opportunity  to live together, or know you;re marrying anyway, or are a more experienced couple, then during A school.  That means either flying to where he is and doing it there after he has asked permission via a chit and gone to counseling, or if he has a long school and the timing falls just right, during the Christmas stand down at home.  The reason for this choice is so your housing allowance starts coming in, and so you will be on his orders to his permanent duty station.  That provides your travel and a household goods shipment.  Must be a few weeks beforehand, long enough for the detailer to be informed he is married not single.  Single orders are unaccompanied and rarely changed.  Also, if he is struggling during school, perhaps waiting to marry would be beneficial to him.  Some sailors handle it fine, and thrive with a spouse to support them, while others will become distracted and lose their school.  No one knows if this is the case but you and him.  Something to discuss as a couple.  Not every school will allow them to live offbase/in base housing with you, only the longer ones.

3.  If this is a new relationship, or if you are still in school, or if there are any issues to work out, then my personal suggestion is to wait until he gets to his first duty station and see how you BOTH handle a long deployment.  Take your time to build up the relation ship before moving far away from family.  If you have never run a household by yourself, including paying the bills and car and such, then it can be quite difficult to deal with that without either him or your family nearby.   One thing at a time.   You will find many people who are chiefs or senior sailors suggest this too.  It is not an age thing, so much as an experience thing.   

There is a #4, while he is home on leave after A school, but that often means difficulty getting to his new duty station, not going at all if he is stationed overseas.  Plus would be a wedding with family.  Your decision, of course.

I am leaving out a lot of detail, this is just an overview of my opinions.

Permalink Reply by Christy on June 26, 2014 at 2:56pm

Okay thanks this really helped out a lot. I'm thinking about getting married while he is in A school. I am a few years older than him and I know how to handle paying bills and all that good stuff. I just want to be with h every step of the way. I been by his side since he been going through this new change and I still want an need to be there I'm really the only person he got and the one person the understands him.

Permalink Reply by Anti M on June 26, 2014 at 9:37pm

He may be very homesick during boot camp, if you haven't talked marriage beforehand, it is better to wait until he's actually graduated and the emotional pressure cooker lets off.   This is not true for everyone, so if it doesn't apply, feel free to ignore it.  

Which A school?  They all require them to submit a request chit, and potentially take a simple class or counseling with a chaplain. Takes a couple weeks, although it can be pushed.  This is for a few reasons, having to do with his security clearance, screening for fraudulent marriages, and to be certain he understands what benefits are available, and his responsibilities to a dependent.  Nothing personal about it, and the chit is rarely denied.  

Congrats and good luck!

Permalink Reply by Christy on June 27, 2014 at 4:27pm

we actually have talked about marriage. I just want to make sure we can make it happen while he is in A school. I know he will be training for a total up to 16 weeks. 10 weeks for one and the other 6 and this is all in GL. Or is it better to wait till he come back home on leave?

Permalink Reply by Anti M on June 27, 2014 at 5:27pm

During A school is ideal because he will be issued orders as a married sailor.  After, he will have unaccompanied orders, you would have to move out of pocket.  If he pulls an overseas duty station, you'd not be able to go with him.

Permalink Reply by TomatoPotato on July 1, 2014 at 2:43pm

This does not apply to Chief's.  This only applies to those who are still in schooling and junior enlisted under the rank of E-4. A Navy Chief is an E-7.

Permalink Reply by Anti M on July 1, 2014 at 5:36pm

Because he has custody of his kids, he is eligible for accompanied orders.  Easy enough to add you as a dependent once married.  He must get command sponsorship for you, so you have the correct visa and the correct benefits associated with being stationed overseas.  That has more to do with the Status of Forces Agreement and the immigration laws of the country he would be stationed in.  You also need overseas screening, as would his kids.  Lots of paperwork, but not impossible to handle.

Did he say where overseas?  

Permalink Reply by Erin on July 22, 2014 at 1:28am

I am loving this post! My fiance and I are in the same boat trying to figure out when to get married. He leaves for boot camp August 19. We had thought possibly during one of the breaks between schools. 

Permalink Reply by Anti M on July 22, 2014 at 8:30am

Remember, every circumstance is different, and every sailor develops different views in the various stages of training.  Look over this outline with him, see what rings true for you two.

1.  Get married before he leaves.   Easiest in the long run, very tough on a newer relationship.  If you are pregnant or have one kid, this is ideal, even if he has to push the recruiter to put in the paperwork (they hate it, but it can be done).  More than one kid takes a waiver.

2.  Try for PIR weekend if his school is in Great Lakes.  Against the rules.  Shorter schools don;t care, but longer ones have been known to enforce the regulations in order to make an example.  Not suggested unless you are pregnant or have kids and need to be an official spouse.

3.  During A school at a courthouse.  Best for the paperwork so he gets orders as a married sailor and you get a paid move to his next duty station.  Very tough on a new marriage as you probably can't live with him, and he needs to dedicate time to study, not you.  Nuke school facilitates this, although the premier choice for nukes seems to be during prototype.  A school marriage requires a special request chit and potentially counseling for him.

4.  In the rare case he is in A school over the holidays, you can marry while he is home on stand down leave.  Family wedding, and if he doesn't have orders yet, he has time to let the detailer know he is married.

5.  On leave after A school (or C school).  Because he already has orders in hand, you are not on them, so you have to pay for your move yourself.  If he has overseas orders, you are not going too.  That takes command sponsorship, and E-3 and below are not eligible to take dependents overseas.  If he stays stateside, his new command may be grumpy because they were not prepared to get a married sailor instead of a single one.  If he deploys right away, joins his ship at sea, you have to handle a move by yourself.  Maybe choose to stay at home with your family as a newlywed.  It gets complicated, there are dozens of scenarios.

6.  Marry after a first deployment.  This is what chiefs and senior sailors prefer for their new sailors.  They want their sailors to concentrate on learning their jobs (doesn't stop with A school, they have to qualify and so on).  If a couple has never tested their relationship by being apart, a long six to eight month deployment will show both spouses what they are in for.  Boot camp barely scratches the surface.  The long deployments can be what brings out the best and/or the worst of a couple and show them what they may be in for.  This is what can make or break a forever marriage.  

7.  Some couples decide to not marry.  I am not sure how that works, haven't seen much in the way of people telling about that experience.  SOs who are not spouses are invisible to the military.  

I hope this gives you and your sailor to be some talking points, and genrates questons and discussions.  Best of luck!

Permalink Reply by heathee12 on July 24, 2014 at 4:45pm

Hi! We got married last month (a month from tomorrow) and have been together since June 2011 and he went to bootcamp in Feb 2012. We got engaged after he moved to his first duty station and we did long distance like beasts AND i am SO proud of us! It would have been easier to get married sooner but we did what was right for us. We both had a blast at our wedding and are even more in love than ever before. I will be moving in another month to WA. This is my note just saying bootcamp blows, A school is tough and being apart at a duty station is also hard but you can do whatever you need to do as long as you communicate and are open to all the feelings you will go through.Good luck regardless!