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HELP!! Any advice on my situation would be wonderful!!
First, let me apologize for the length of this message. I have been struggling with this situation for so long I guess I needed to vent some also.
My son signed up for the Navy and had to wait 6 months before he could leave for boot camp. All he has wanted to do in the last 4 years has revolved around the military. He was so excited and ready to go. About a month after he enlisted he started dating a girl that was much younger than him, against all of my families wishes and protests. No one approved, but I had no help in trying to stop the relationship before it got serious. By the time he left for boot camp the girlfriend had basically pulled him away from all of his family and friends (we are a very small town and close knit group). To make matters worse, as the relationship progressed we found out startling and disturbing facts about the girl that just made it harder to accept her. My son as since graduated boot camp and is in his 3rd week of A school. Ok so here is what has been going on and why I'm asking for advice.
We found out that about 6-8 months before her and my son started dating she was having some pretty serious mental issues. So much so, that her family had thought of putting her into a behavioral facility for help, but that never happened. She has lived a pretty rough life.... her parents married young and divorced years ago. Her mother is pretty much a loser and drug head. Her dad works for a pipeline and is only home about 3 months out of the year so her and her brother basically live with her dads mom(who of course has raised her children and isn't interested in raising anymore). So basically the girl just does what she wants. That being said, when her and my son started dating, she was only 14 and not an innocent in anyway (if you know what I meant). My son on the other hand was a GOOD child. I know all mothers think their kids are perfect, but I have a daughter who is a hot mess and a handful, so when I say he was GOOD, I mean it. When he got his drivers license we got him a truck and said go. He was always telling us where he was, when he would be home. Checking in all the time without us every having to ask, we have always been a very close family. When he started dating her, he started lying to us, sneaking out, not coming home until we made him. He wrecked his truck and got a speeding ticket. All in the first 3 months they dated. So fast forward to PIR... he gets his phone back and I have already synced one of my old phones to his iTunes accounts because she had been leaving disturbing voice mails while he was at basic and I wanted to keep a watch out. Well in the last 3 weeks, she has threatened suicide 3 times and told him way more than that, that she wanted to cut herself. I printed out one of her texts and had a meeting with her father and his reply was " well her mother was a cutter". WHAT?!?! I was completely shocked. I thought he would get her some help, but he went home, packed her up and drove her to A school to spend the weekend with my son.
So while my son is trying to get through A school is constantly worried about upsetting her, he is constantly apologizing to her for being late returning her texts, or not being able to call her when she's ready to talk. I want to scream to her "HE'S IN THE NAVY...... he can't tell his CO "hold on while I text my GF" Now she is pressuring him about getting married and apparently he asked her dads permission a couple of days ago for him to sign parental consent so they can get married. Again I say WHAT?!?!?
Yesterday though, was the straw that broke my back, but I find myself at a loss as to what to do. She was at it again with the "I want/need to cut myself so the pain will go away" and my son was so upset he told her he wanted to cut himself to see how she feels!!! That was it for me, but I don't know where to go from here. Everyone I've talked to in my family and church family has told me to call the base and talk to someone over his barracks or school and let them know what is going on. I don't want my son to get in trouble, but I want him to not be so stressed about this girl. Her father apparently doesn't care and just wants to lay the responsibility of raising her on my son.
I'm so sad, I just don't know what to do anymore.....
Please....ANY advice would be helpful.
Views: 461
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Anti M on
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Where is he going to A school? He is supposed to submit a request chit to marry, and go to premarital classes or counseling on marriage. If you do not want to call his school, you can look up the base chaplain and talk to him. However, he is an adult and cannot be forbidden to marry. They certainly can make it difficult though.
I once denied a marriage request chit because the service member was underage. A few months later, when she turned 18, she married. Someone else, and it was a disaster, but legally we had no say.
And monitoring his and her texts? Huge invasion of privacy, and potentially illegal. And creepy. I think his reaction when he finds out will be bad. I know I'd be furious.
If he begins cutting, and the Navy finds out, he may be facing a discharge. He needs help if he is considering harming himself.
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Permalink Reply by ^^Angel^^ on
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I don't think he would hurt himself, but she has him so stressed out that it bothers me that he would even make that comment. And as I've told everyone else that has told me he's an adult, yes legally he may be, but he's dating a 15 yr old (which I know is dicey) who is severely mentally unstable, which is why I am keeping a check on the texts. I feel like if I see she has swallowed a bottle of pills or has a gun, at least I could call 911 and get her some help. He seems to be really enjoying school and meeting new people but then he gets back to his room and his mood just seems to darken. I know I sound like an overprotective mother, but I honestly am not. My long message is a very very PG rated version of the things that have happened in the last 3 weeks.
Thanks for the reply. :)
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She's 15? The Navy could discipline him for that, parental consent or not. He needs to be told, perhaps by the Chaplain, what the consequences of that could be. I know he is still not fully matured, but legally, he could be in a world of hurt over her age. Perhaps the chaplain would be the best resource, it would be confidential.
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Permalink Reply by lemonelephant on
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He's at Lackland in MA "A" School. No Sailor needs to be dealing with this, but one with a gun even less so.
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I'm just not sure if I should just let it be or try to make a phone call. I don't want to be "That Mom" you know? He has always been a very stable, loving, reliable young man. Which is why his behavior with this girl/child has baffled me so. I'm just not sure if it's best for me to stay out of it or make the call. :(
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If this was not your son, would you think that someone needs to get involved? At the very least, ask him to talk with the Chaplain.
You can also call the suicide hotline on her. Does your son know that you are monitoring his phone. As AntiM pointed out, that is illegal even if you did have good intentions for doing it.
Check your My Page.
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Well I tried talking to her dad and showed him one of the texts and his reply was that her mom was a cutter. And since his iTunes account is in my name and comes out of my credit card I guess "legally" it's my account. And yes he knows that I have read some of their texts. I have never said anything to him until she started saying it frequently.
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I'm just really sad I guess. He was so excited about seeing the world and making the Navy his career and now he wants to come home when his 4 years is up and work on the pipeline with her dad. I realize the relationship is new and will probably/hopefully not last through the 4 years, but I just don't want him to make a mistake and try "get out" because she's continuously telling him "I can't breathe without you here, or I can't live without you". I am not exaggerating when I talk of her mental instability. Many people in my community have voiced concerns about her being a manic depressive. I've read up on it and she definitely has the signs and symptoms. I just wish her dad would get her the help she needs so my son wouldn't be so stressed. :(
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The next time she texts about suicide, call the Suicide Hotline for her area (http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html will help you find the number) or call the police and ask to have them do a wellness or welfare check on her.
As far as your son, if he indicates he is going to harm himself or others, then call the American Red Cross at (877) 272-7337 and they can help set things in motion, but you would need to believe that there is reason to believe that he is going to harm himself or others. I don't know that you would be able to call anyone at Lackland AFB directly.
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Permalink Reply by CryptoDad on
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JBSA-Lackland
Gateway Chapel
(210) 671-2911
Red Cross
(210) 292-7412For After Hours Emergency Pastoral Needs
Call the Joint Base San Antonio Command Post at (210) 221-9363
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Permalink Reply by lonely mom on
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Angel,
As a mom, I do understand your concern for your son as well as respect this, I too am the same about my child though s/he is an adult, as a mom we all still want what is best for him/her. In this case just some suggestions, it is obvious that this young lady does need some help ASAP. Your son is a gentle man with feelings for someone that at this time, he does not need in his life due to his career which is the Navy. His life requires him to be very focused. This young lady comes from a dysfunctional family, meaning (and not trying to be harsh) that shows no family togetherness, especially where love is concerned. This is what she is lacking, she lacks love, communication, understanding from parents, therefore, anyone that shows her the attention and love that she has is still lacks, she latches on. In this case due to your son's upbringing of showing all of these things she has gotten caught up and probably wants to try and help her with her pain, but in this case marrying her would not be the answer, just a stress factor for him. Talk with the Chaplin in his area. As for viewing his text, if you are paying the bill and everything is in your name, yes it is your phone. Telling him of the text messages she is leaving can cause problems between the two of you and this you do not need nor want, but if her dad is not willing to do anything this lets you know that he does not really care, because a real dad would step in and help his child, I know you want to help your son, talk with the Chaplin. I will pray for you and this situation, and always remember for every situation there are solutions. Hang in there, your son has come too far to be astray, and it is okay to remind him of this, but try not to sound like you feel upset.
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